Between the Lines
by Scarper
Summary: The life of Ciel Phantomhive had been an extraordinary one, but what happened when nobody was paying attention was twice as extraordinary. Parody one-shots, crack, ridiculousness.


Author's Note: As we all know, Kuroshitsuji was crazy good. Maybe just crazy. But many of us were left wondering... was that what really happened, or did the accurate version of events get lost somewhere on the cutting room floor? Here it is, loves - how those scenes you had to rewatch a couple times _really _went down before the editing and reshooting. Join me as we read between the lines to a ridiculous degree and present an entirely new take on the plot through a series of crack AU's, oneshots, and general bashing on Sebastian's hooker boots. Oh , and there's probably yaoi somewhere. 8D

* * *

x x x

Retake: 1-800-Hell-R-Us

_Cut for crude humor, hinted demon butler love, deviation from the script, and a misplaced cell phone._

x x x

Ciel's fingers tightened on the cold bars of the cage, piercing blue eyes fixed on the swirling abyss of shadows that had emerged before him, slowing curling into a more humanoid form. He gripped his cell phone more tightly with the other hand, shoving it into the folds of the coarse blanket that scarcely covered his naked form while keeping his gaze unwaveringly fixed on the demonic apparition before him.

A soft, silky voice split the quiet, and the shadows parted, a tall and graceful figure slipping from them with the ease of a gymnast. Ciel stared in shock. It was nothing close to what he had expected, nothing even remotely comprehendable, so utterly disorienting he barely caught the whisper flung his way.

"My... aren't you a very small master?"

His horror had now reached insurmountable heights. Slowly, his gaze roved over the twisting shadows, the utter void from which this... _creature.._ had risen from... It was somehow far too incongruous. He pressed his forehead to the reassuring solidity of the iron bars, desperately wishing it was a trick of the light in the darkened room - but no, as he raised his head once more, it was more real than he dared believe. He spoke, his voice shakier than he would ever admit while mentally recounting the scene.

"What.. the bloody hell is this?"

The demon, now eyeing him with a faintly irritated expression, slipped the nail file he'd been employing for the past sixty seconds of Ciel's horror back into the obscenely tight fabric of the black, high necked, fully zipped sleeveless jacket he wore. His immaculate posture and princely stance were almost absurd as Ciel's eyes slid downward over the legging-like pants and ridiculously high-heeled boots, staring shamelessly at the well formed thighs and oddly feminine calves.

The demonic figure smirked nastily, strutting forward to the cage. "The correct answer to your question is Sparta, but this is hardly to time for such domestic lessons, my young master. I must admit, out of all the unique situations I have taken humans in, none have included something quite so kinky as this intriguing cage."

Ciel sputtered incoherently, backing against the far side of iron and digging for his phone. "You're from 1-800-Hell-R-Us, right? I.. I said anyone would work, but I.. I didn't mean... like that... I didn't ask for a.. a whore, I want-!"

"Honestly." The bars shrieked in protest as the demon wrenched them apart with a delicate twist, dragging a protesting Ciel out with a displeased expression. "And they told me you'd be a quickie... No, this young kind is definitely not my cup of tea.. Or... Perhaps.. Mmm.." He had now caught a whiff of Ciel, and was regarding the revolted child with a slightly more polite gaze. "You're actually quite appealing in flavor, now that I think about it..."

"What are you..." Ciel squirmed against the frighteningly strong arms that had encircled him, attempting in vain to wriggle free. "I want-"

"Revenge on those who took your parent's lives and destroyed your innocence, yeah, yeah, I read the memo." The demon flapped a hand vaguely, slinging the protesting shota over his shoulder. "_Honestly_, what did you think I was here for? I'm not into that kind of thing, the management usually makes that pretty clear when I'm requested..."

"Put me down, now!" Ciel roared with considerably more bravery than he felt.

The demon yawned, and whipped a small white scorecard from his mysteriously all-containing jacket as he set the boy back on his feet. "Only a six, you could've put a little more feeling into it."

"Demon!" He was starting to draw on the kernels of bravery to work up an acceptable angry voice. "Demon, you will form a contract with me on my terms!"

"Ugh, fine, one sec then.. I don't remember my line after this." The demon leaned against the cage, shuffling through his apparently flat jacket and withdrawing a dog-eared script, flipping through it seemingly at random while clearing his throat. "'I find your exquisitely sculpted face to be like a ray of sunshine amidst a gruelling desert - you torture me with longing, sweet rose, luscious cactus flower... my very essence seeks to form this binding seal with you in hopes that'... oh, wrong one... 'Fear not, my queen, for thy dreams of granduer shall henceforth be reality as I stand steadfastly beside you...' Damn, who writes these?... I'll find the real one, patience, small master... 'I'll be late getting home, don't wait up, I can bend you over something in the early morning just as well as at night, already fed that bloody cat of yours, love you too, Claude'... that bastard..."

Ciel stared, no longer remotely angry. He was beyond words as he stood limply, clutching his cell phone and blanket, watching the demon rifle crossly through the script as he tucked the note he'd inadvertently read aloud back into his jacket.

"Oh, here we go.. 'Do you wish to form a contract with me, knowing full well that afterwards the gates of Paradise will be forever closed to you?'" The demon snapped the script shut, looking disgustingly pleased with himself.

It took a few more minutes of staring for Ciel to register what the demon had said. "I... Don't be tedious, of course I do... I think... bloody hell.."

"Lovely." The demon clapped with a smile that could only be described as unpleasant, and scooped up the boy once more.

"Your name will be Sebastian Michaelis," Ciel mused, struggling to remain composed. "And you will play the role of my butler without failure throughout this crack filled series... I mean, until I take my revenge.. And you are to never wear those boots again in my sight!"

The smirk he was rewarded with was a sufficient, if highly dissatisfying, answer.


End file.
